I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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