Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
