Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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