You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
