I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
