Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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