I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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