11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
