It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
