Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
