he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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