please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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