the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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