Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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