Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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