why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
