New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
