Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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