WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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