I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
