life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
