that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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