you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
