I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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