Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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