i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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