I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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