Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
