It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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