Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
