why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
