my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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