Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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