So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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