the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
