It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Randomize
