just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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