Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
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