She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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