my mouth tastes like poor choices
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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