Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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