I didn't shave. On purpose
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
