she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
