My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
What drink are we having for lunch?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
