i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
