life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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