I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
