If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
