They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Edward fifth and chaser hands
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
My bed smells like the plague
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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