Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
