i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
